PARADOX

I think about love, and I worry

I'm worried because I feel so potently

I am but a fire burning for the one I love 

I exude embers, and even when I burn to ash, my remains still bare the love I give

I am a permeable membrane

I disappear into who I love

I become what I think you need

And I get so consumed that I decimate

Fracture and shatter until I am no more

And the only way to find myself is to get absorbed and into another

The love I give is pure and fresh

But the love I end up with is tired, weak and scrappy

I give my best to get the bare minimum

And the one the ones that I love always end up being something I have to survive.

Now you see why I always worry.

My heart was built to last more than a night, yet it dissolves in shallow ponds.

Am I the one who can not see that the way I feel is to my detriment?

I know must exculpate myself 

For it is not my fault that I feel so deeply 

That an exchange with one who I am fond of disarms me that much

But yet I can not help but take the blame

For when I shatter, I am the one who gets cut

I am the one who bleeds all over people before I can stitch myself up

I love until I am skin and bone

Reduced to a form I can barely recognize

to a form that is so weak and see through, that you can witness the emptiness within

and all I can do is hate

For to love so potently is to posess hate so fervid

And a heart with no love is a heart so cold and dim

A fiery soul with no love becomes a heart on fire

Burning all in sight

So my dilemma is quite the paradox

On one end, I can be aloof and decide to love and hurt and disintegrate over and over again, 

like a Phoenix rising from its ashes

Like sugar, I can dissolve into him until I am sweet no more

But I can also choose to cage my fragile heart

And that will make it agitated

My heart will riot, and my mind will bear the collateral damage 

I will resonate with aggression and project rebelliousness

With a hatred so intense that no one dares come close to me

My cage will be so hot no one will dare to touch 

And I will not get half baked love

From hard boys who stifle my serotonin

I will no longer be dazed and semi-permeable

I will no longer feel sadness in a way as ardent as I feel love

But yet, I will survive on fleeting moments of profound harmony 

I will not accept happiness or excitement because I worry

I will chase away those who want me because of those who don't 

My heart will be safe, but I alone 

Hence the dilemma

To love or not to love?