THE PLIGHT OF THE LOVERGIRL

Hello, I am a Lovergirl

I believe I need no introduction,

for you may already know me.

I reside in my mind,

a citizen of my imagination,

a worshiper of the religion of love.

Guilty of the delusion that it's all I should ever have

I buy myself roses and make myself candle-lit dinners.

Take myself out on lovely dates

and come back late to stare at the stars.

I live in an echo-chamber of delusion,

Fueled by the love I crave to feel.

I think every man could be the one

and I secretly hope that the next one will be.

I smile at the sight of romantic gestures

and I cry when people fall out of love.

I seek out love in all media,

as all I consume is filled with the potent drug that is love.

I sing along to the anthems of lovergirls before me,

And I constantly recite the scenes

from movies that made me feel thelove

 Choose me, pick me, love me

 I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love me

 I burn for you

 Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed so tight

I am a girl born of love, on the day of love

and addressed to the world with love.

And maybe the curse of loving something is having it torture you.

I feel love is like the sun, warm and soothing,

But it seems I'm allergic to the rays.

I crave the sun yet I'm photosensitive;

scorched by the one thing I crave to feel.

Unfortunately, the love I crave runs from me,

Hides when it sees me.

And even though I want a full heavy love,

I understand that sometimes,

love may not want me as much.

So I take what I can get,

In the form of fleeting moments.

Small doses that I get high from,

even though I know it will never be enough.

And when the man of the night comes over

and I ask him to hold me,

he says, baby, you know you're not my only.

He says he doesn't like texts,

and that he doesn't really go on dates.

And because I'm delusional,

I say, maybe it'll change with me.

So I stew in my thoughts waiting for him to call,

Double texting and filling his inbox with voice notes.

And when he doesn't I say,

it's ok, I don't even like calls.

Even though all I want

Is for him to call and hear me muse over my day.

I say, I just wanted a little love

and he says, that's too much for me

So I shave down my love and put it back on the shelf.

Saying, it gets better eventually.

There I go again,

thinking he'd choose me, pick me, love me.

For I am a lover girl.

Cursed with the desire to be loved,

a need to be wanted.

I match people up perfectly,

like a goddess of love.

For I have a gift,

one I can not use on myself.

I am a scholar of love,

a prodigy of Aphrodite.

I dawn rose-coloured glasses that act as infrared for love.

I can spot chemistry and smell a connection.

Forger of the finest romances,

I stand alone while delivering people to each other.

And I watch them grow in love,

as my heart grows weary of the wait.

When will it be my turn? I scream internally.

For I have become a shadow in my own dream,

A plotline for someone else's theme.

I stand in the corner like a servant,

watching my peers eat the meal I crave oh so dearly.

A meal that I carved by my own hands,

in the hope that someday,

I'll be the one savouring.

I can't help it that I love love,

Like a vampire,

awakened by the smell of blood.

I am ignited by the sight of love,

and like Midas,

I can only marvel at my craft.

Forever a prisoner of my own inhibitions,

trapped in a reality I chose to live in.

simply because I love love.

For I am a lover girl.

I am love-starved,

for loving can be lonely.

I need to breathe into love to survive,

yet I am choked by the stench that surrounds me.

Inconsistency,

emotional unavailability,

Gaslighting,

manipulation,

love bombing and breadcrumbing,

All vile forms that corrupt the love I am to receive.

I am like a rat trapped in a cage,

begging to be fed.

I receive a crumb of affection and suddenly

I am a rabid beast,

the thought of more consumes me,

and it is all I want.

I morph into a feral form of a lovergirl,

Love overgrown seeping through my veins

and frothing out my mouth.

Releasing the love I kept deep inside,

waiting to be activated

He is not worthy, I know.

But I had all this love,

and nowhere to take it.

And even when he feeds me mere morsels

from his platter of love,

I still wait and take it in.

Because maybe that’s all I could ever have.

and after I have poured myself into him completely,

drained myself of the love I had for him and me,

he says, I never asked for your love.

and by the time he spits me out,

I am already shrivelled.

So I brush myself off

and wipe my tears.

I say,

even though it ended, my love still burned,

It’s the little things that matter.

I know I am enduring love

when I should be enjoying it.

But I can’t help but love love.

For I am, forever and always, a lovergirl.