CRIPPLING

 Love,

Often a word that evokes so many emotions and memories when spoken

Love 

A feeling of extreme pleasure and ecstasy

A feeling so good that it has been compared to the crippling complexities of being in cults

or the debilitation that comes with addiction

I see love as something different

you see, I believed I have only experienced love in small doses

nothing too big to make me feel energized

but something small enough to make me crave for seconds

my perception of love is in the form of fleeting moments of profound harmony

momentary lapses where I felt something that slowly faded into static

and no, I am not talking just about romantic love

from plutonic love to simple  parental affection

I feel as though I have a deficiency disease when it comes to love

and I often equate it to stifled serotonin, or the inability to feel the love I receive

I use this as a justification for what I truly fear

that I, in fact, have never really truly experienced love

in a form that makes me go crazy

in a form that makes me feel alive with every single neuron charging and my quiddity warming

I also believe that because I have not experienced this sensational feeling, I may not be able to give it as needed

the love I give is empty, lacking either commitment or intimacy

I may be in love with a man but not want him to touch me in any form.

or not want him to know about the darkness that resides within me

love

I often think that it is an overrated feeling

maybe because  there are loopholes in my perception of what love is

or maybe because I crave a warmth I lack the receptors for

and I often act like the lack of love in my life does not phase me

But I know that deep down, I often wish that I was adored the way others are

That someone looks at me the way men look at their lovers.

That someone is proud of me the way parents are proud of their spawn.

There is a big black hole in my essence, and I am afraid that there is no fix for my disability